Squarebrain.net teaches guys how to stay in control:
It only works if the girl actually does want you ok!
Anyway, here's the story. I thought twice before deciding to put it up, because after all it's very personal and the boy might not want people to know the intimate details of our life. But I need to write this down so I won't forget. Then I can look back and remember what it is that is special about this relationship, and how much it really means to me. And try harder this time. Not to make the same mistakes.
~~~♥♥~~~I can be such a silly fool sometimes... it took a breakup to make me realise how much I actually wanted the relationship. Just two hours after I'd initiated the break, I was feeling so miserable that it took all my willpower to resist calling him and telling him I'd made a mistake.
I've always been able to get over failed relationships because it's always been a rational decision to move on - fundamental incompatibilities and so on. This time, however, it was just a bad decision on my part. It felt like I'd just given up the best thing that's happened to me, and that made me feel so shitty that I couldn't even finish the food that I usually gobble up in seconds:
That was my dinner, and also the only thing that I could bring myself to eat that day. If Mario hadn't dragged me out to IKEA, I probably wouldn't have eaten anything. I just felt terribly empty and numb. So yes, thank goodness for friends.
We bummed around in my room for the rest of the day - Mario using my webcam to chat with his girl while I read a book. When he had to leave, I'd gone off to the loo and I came back to find him typing this:
Aw. Later that night, Twerp (who's now going to be known as Hamster because... well it's an inside joke) called and demanded to know why I hadn't told him about the breakup. He'd known about it only because he read my blog. Oh well. Talking about it to people just made me cry, so I didn't want to talk to anyone about it. I cried for about 24 hours non-stop, and I cried myself to sleep for two nights after that.
That was also the night that Tom called, and we thrashed things out badly. Listening to his point of view made me experience a paradigm shift: I'd never realised how I'd slowly taken him for granted and put in less effort making myself a better person and making him happy. By the end of the call, I was ready to give us another shot. Only this time, he was too disappointed and angry with how I'd given up so easily and refused. That was how I ended up crying myself to sleep.
Anyway, Hamster demanded that I have lunch with him the next day. He ended up buying food back for me because my eyes were all swollen from crying and I was in such a state that I didn't want to go out in public and be seen. Again, that was about the only meal I had that second day.
Later that day, after a flurry of contrite messages from me, the boy agreed to work things out. We saw each other at night, but only briefly, and it was all very awkward. He didn't stay the night, because he'd taken all his things from my room the night before. I cried myself to sleep again because it felt like things would never be the same.
Saturday was much better. He came over in the evening, and stayed over, and that made all the difference. It felt absolutely amazing - like I'd fallen in love all over again. Every word, every smile, every touch - they seemed to resonate with so much more meaning. The only parallel I can think of is when you hold your breath for a minute. The rush of sweet oxygen to the brain afterward is beyond exhilarating.
Things have been good since then. I'm glad I fought for what I really wanted, instead of letting go of someone I could really see a future with. As he said, it would be so much easier for me to just move on and find someone who would disregard all my flaws and pamper me like a princess. But I know I'm not perfect - even though I always act like an ostrich and prefer not to hear about my flaws - and the last thing in the world I should do is settle for someone who would tolerate my flaws. Not when I have someone who cares for me enough to want only the best for me, including ensuring that I am the best person I could possibly be. Change can be difficult, but as long as it's necessary (ie ultimately good for myself, good for him, and good for us), I'm quite willing to make the sacrifice. It's time I stopped being a spoilt brat and started being more sensible anyway.
ying @ 2:03 PM
: 2:00 AM